i believe i've found out what i thought i never would. i've read through my writings, things i've said before and the harsh reality has finally struck home: i don't think i ever will.

maybe this is really for the better.

feeling a bit zonked out these days -- sleep eludes me when i try or think that it's about time to crash. when i turn to something else for distraction, it sneaks up on me suddenly and i'd pass out for the longest time ever. it's so hard to control too. that's something that i really appreciate about working (even though i bitch about it every morning when i have to get up to get to work); there is at least a steady rhythm maintained everyday.

i'm in desperate need of affection; yes, a little LOA recently. not the sort of make-out sessions' affection though. i miss the safe and warm hugs, hand-holding and tugging me along, someone making me smile in that way i can't explain. i miss that feeling of knowing you're there. i miss love.

there is an air of despondency around me.

--
i want you get it, i want you get it now
get up, get up, get up
let me feel emotion
get up, get up, get up
oh oh oh oh oh

it's not often these days that i spend time reflecting on myself these days. mostly due to the lack of time, i suppose. but i can't help it; i can't stop thinking. i'm finding it difficult to focus my thoughts.

i wish there were some other distraction other than work, because it isn't really doing a great job of distracting me at the moment.

how many times in your life have you broke down in front of a perfect stranger? this is a new feeling for me.. unsure if i should spill the beans or hold back. because holding back is all i've done for the past year. but i remember who i used to be; i remember never hesitating over something as trivial as this. in the end i chose to be the new me.

i still wonder if it was the wrong choice.

i haven't told you yet. i wonder if i should.

i don't feel like myself lately. i feel like i'm reaching for something that's intangible, something i'm not even sure is there or not in the first place. i want to let it all go and just burrow in myself and the life i lead now. but there's something that's not letting go its hold of me.

can't help thinking if my insecurities and lack of self-belief is going to be my downfall someday.

"and then you want and want and want and hope and hope and want,
and you're making me feel guilty for not being able to give you that."

there's no stronger love than the one you have for the ones who took care of you since day one.. except maybe the one you can have for a sibling (though not necessarily everyone would agree). it doesn't mean i'd put up with my mom yelling her head off at me for something i did, or did not do. it doesn't mean i won't retort with the single purpose of pissing her off.

but i think i would change my world for them (at least now).

i wonder though; does this somehow mean that i'm no longer who i am or whom i used to be? and is this bad in any way? am i not being true to myself?

i've never liked change. i've always stuck to what i want to do most, taking it one day at a time, living life free and easy. i'm not often smart or careful, but i can say i'm happy. i was happy. i will be happy. but if i'm going to be different, will i still be happy?

have you ever been truly selfless; done something for someone else without thinking of yourself or consequences and even knowing that you're not happy later, you'd rather have done it than not? i think i can count the number of times i've been that selfless on one hand. i'm not proud of it. but maybe it's time to count my blessings and start repaying all of that back.

i don't like this. but i'll do it.

feels like i'm going to be back here again soon enough. =\

it's been a real long time since i've wanted to give myself completely again; to learn how to trust and love all over again from scratch. it's been some time since i've felt love like this. i was slightly scarred the last time, and i don't think i'll ever find out if i'm completely over it. but i want to take this dream, make it real, hold on to it and never let go.

"from what you've told me so far, he sounds like a keeper."

i wrap my arms around myself and tell myself that this is him holding me. i wait patiently and count the days till i see him again. i jump on him, hug him tightly and kiss him madly when i see him. i'm in love. i'm happy. i want to feel like this forever. i want to keep him, and us.


(i was going to put something along the lines of, "but how long will this last.." or "i'm still skeptical cause i've always been the pessimistic kind when it comes to matters of the heart.." but y'know what, i'm going to scratch that. hee. =))