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jolene ang
it's been two years and four months, approximately. anyone in the same field as me would know that one of the biggest assets one could possibly have is the ability to talk cock, sing song with a thick face skin. but even after so long, i haven't picked up that single most important soft skill.

she called me stupid. he told me to remember not to repeat this. i'm still making mistakes then, i suppose. i don't know why i am still so lack of self-confidence; so unsure of my footing wherever i go. i've always felt that i never belonged here, but people seem to be hinting that if i still continue to behave this way, i'll never get anywhere.. i'll never belong anywhere. to be honest, i'm sure of my abilities. i can say really clearly that i know what i'm doing. but i don't know where i stand.

i wonder if this is a result of antisocial-ness- that i am unable to compare myself to others because i don't know them well enough, indirectly causing me to feel inferior to some. i feel sad. the saddest part of it all is that i'm unable to comprehend my own thoughts sometimes too. it had some truth to it, i know. it makes sense. if people think you are, you are. yet i chose not to believe in people closest to me, people i have come to love and respect over time.

it's not a time for regrets. i know that if i told anyone the story, they would tell me that 2,100 was my price to pay for a lesson to be well-learnt. but i still disagree deep down inside, as much as i want to agree.

i think i should leave.
Tags: ,
 
 
feeling: discontentdiscontent
music: Zhang Hui Mei - Wo Yao Kuai Le
 
 
jolene ang
18 July 2010 @ 08:44 pm
oh my gawd. i missed expert competition to spend forty five minutes teaching my mom how to use facebook.. after which she very nicely told me it appears to be a pointless waste of time and she thinks it's not very necessary after all.

wuttttttttttttttt.

my mom's been succumbing to peer pressure as well. the older generation is beginning to get wind of facebook and i think her friends have been spamming her with invitation emails to join. she thinks it's facebook spamming her and condemns them for it. -_-"

pleasant sunday night originally, excluding the past hour. =[ i'm going to go steal my pleasant sunday night back now.
 
 
feeling: grumpygrumpy
music: Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight
 
 
jolene ang
27 June 2010 @ 09:55 pm
yesterday was lovely; nevermind the effort that went into the planning, carrying out, and having the plan wrecked havoc upon. great food, great company- simple pleasures that really cheers me up even though i was tired (actually, everyone else too).

i feel like i've been somewhat spoilt over these couple of days. it's been good food nearly everyday, including departure lounge for friday's lunch and pizzeria bella italia for sunday's lunch. i'm definitely not anticipating going to work tomorrow since i'll be in Giant Bandar Kinrara and there's probably not going to be much good food in there. =[

i'm sitting here not knowing what i want to do right now, or for the rest of the night. i keep having this niggling feeling that i really ought to spend my time in a more fruitful manner since i won't be having much of it anymore again beginning july, yet i can't seem to find something to occupy myself with.

other than fare city, maybe. if you're an iphone user, you really oughta download the free version for a test drive. right now. like, really really right now. it's terribly addictive. and then you can consider the paid app, haha. i'm a big supporter of fare city and i think it could possibly be better than bejeweled, which i used to think was the best arcade game ever created by mankind. if you knew me well, you'd know how addicted i used to be to bejeweled and that no one i've met has ever been able to trump my high score. /grins.

school's starting again the following week, and i've been considering some tough decisions in regards to school. with no conclusion just yet. i'm rather afraid of making the wrong decision because i've never been any good at weighing the pros and cons of anything and my spontaneous actions may not be always right. i rarely regret them, but this is a really really important decision that may have an impact on the rest of my life. my current preference; however, is leaning towards what my parents wish of me.

it surprises me somewhat that i want to do what they want lately. perhaps it's the influence of people i've been mixing around with. i wonder what they would make of it though- both my intentions and the people i've been mixing around with. i constantly wonder. but i'm bound to have no answers for the next four to five months anyway.

the conversation with junkun today reminded me of relationships, complications, and the word forever. i'm a bit afraid of investing in something i'm not terribly sure of the return, however small or large it may be. how simple choices would be if my trial run idea was actually a workable plan. i remember how he laughed earlier today, then agreed adamantly with me. lmao.

but you know what? no matter what the choice or conclusion is in less than three months, i still want to take a picture with you.
Tags: ,
 
 
music: Lin Jun Jie - Yuan Lai
 
 
jolene ang
06 June 2010 @ 06:13 pm
i could say in a voice that completely belies the underlying tension, that i am prepared for this paper, but i would be lying. i lie everyday.

"honey, you say this all the time, for every paper. :p ... good luck."

i recall with perfectly clarity when i received the text, and still do. so many lovely memories that still comes to mind every now and then, although it is usually accompanied with a bittersweet smile now. i miss you occasionally. nothing new there.

i am scared.

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i had a dream last night- of being introduced to a family who were happy to meet me, and very warm and accepting of someone they barely knew. do you know that it's an amazing feeling to be liked so easily? i wish my parents would be more understanding of my faults and wrongdoings. i'm rather afraid of the confession i'm going to have to make seven days from now.

--
as always with stress, i'm finding reasons to spend money. but whoa, it's almost as if luck is on my side suddenly! everything's been tempting me to spend money; what with all the recent sales everywhere. too much, these people, too much.

confession for the day: i am so tempted to buy four sets right now. /hides self.

--
nine more days to go. gotta really stick to the plan now.
 
 
18 May 2010 @ 06:46 pm
okeh, so the aries girl can't do it all on her own. i have a lot of people to thank for today.

despite how much everyone doesn't like her, i appreciate the fact she let me take an EL so abruptly without asking why. her reason was if i need to take it so hurriedly, it must be urgent. yes, and i explained why. but isn't it lovely, to be understood even before you have to explain?

i feel really sorry for jamie. i'm a shit junior. i came so late yesterday, spilt syrup all over her skirt, then took an EL today and i'm not even going to work under her tomorrow. i'm going to make it up to her next week. i'm going to work overtime even if it kills me; i'll try to focus and finish all those crappy backlog. and by this thursday i'm definitely going to have to be done with one company at least. i know what i can do and what i can't. this is something i can do. i just have to give up entertainment and my personal life. so what? it's not like i haven't done it before. i chose this path, i chose my career, and i will dammit, get all my work settled.

not backlog, but so much stuff pending from my side for waiweng. oh my god it pains me to even think about it. one by one filtering and figuring it out is such a pain to think about. i hate doing the testing but.. there's no one else. and i didn't go back on sunday to help him out. i feel guilty. and all the things i owe him; he's never chased me for anything because he trusts me. and what have i done with the trust? i've happily procrastinated away. god. okeh tomorrow must finish that idiot piece-of-shit thing.

i am so damn thankful that i could call him up, knowing that he'll help me as much as he can and that we're still friends. i don't show it as much as i mean to, but i really do appreciate friends like these so much. thank you. for everything. even when we haven't spoken in such a long time after all these years. and thank you for saving me back in 2003; i will never ever forget that moment in my life when i was so scared and you finally turned up.

thank you god, for giving me a sister i love more than life itself.

thank you for being you.

i also neeeeeeeeeed to do up my cashflows before friday.

god this week has been so crappy for me.

NO, ALL OF YOU BAD LUCK GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. i'm going to get started on my cashflows. i want 65 for my f7, dammit.
 
 
feeling: lovedappreciative
music: Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love For You